Jack's Guide to Life
Jack's Back to School Guide 1
Hey kids! It's that time of the year again, where parents are busy cramming all of their hopes and dreams into their children who both don't appreciate anything and will probably die over the summer because their friend was driving drunk "just this one time." Provided catastrophe avoids your doorstep, (and when has it ever?) you'll be headed to college in the Fall. Well, that is, unless you're like the majority of Americans, who don't get a TV appropriate future and are forced into an abusive and loveless common-law marriage because it takes the earnings of 3 hourly wage jocks to match the salary of one college graduate.
Ah, yes. College -- The best 8 years of your life. I know that it can all be quite daunting, especially as you try to transition from the mind-set of some dumb-ass high school kid who yearns to be an adult, and into an adult who has the mentality of a child.
In this installment, we'll be discussing the College Classroom, which is probably the least popular part of college-life. Let's begin with some vocabulary.
LECTURE -- A class you don't have to attend. Lectures are usually held in large auditoriums, (unless you signed up for some private school, where your professor-student ratio might be better, but your degree isn't worth anything because who the fuck has ever heard of "Sansbury College?") Go the first day, pick up the Syllabus, and leave.
SYLLABUS -- A piece of paper which outlines the bare minimum you have to do in order to pass this class. It tells you when to show up for tests and what days you can skip. Provided you don't stay home on test days, you'll do fine.
PROFESSOR -- It's his job to fail you. The word professor comes from the latin for, "Incapable." Professors are highly respected teachers and as we all know, those who can't do, teach. So professors are people who can't do, in a major way.
TEACHING AID -- Sometimes called Teaching Assistant and often abbreviated "T.A." I haven't figured out what his job is yet, but he's tried on several occasions to make me understand that it ISN'T "(his) job to give a fuck."
TEXTBOOK -- I hope that I don't actually have to explain to you what a textbook is. Everyone knows it's a $100 paperweight that resells for $6 at the end of the semester. Even when I actually put forth a great effort in a class, it was still a rare occasion that I ever used a textbook. They're largely unnecessary.
BACKPACK -- An outdated accessory which was once used to hide drugs.
FADED GREEN MESSENGER BAG -- In recent years, the FGMB has come to replace the backpack. It is also capable of carrying your textbooks, pencils, pens, paper, folders, and pot, but the FGMB has room for you to put buttons that say shit about how unique you are. It also lets the world know that you're a sensitive and artistic individual, just like every other asshole who owns one.
CELLULAR PHONES -- Guerilla Warfare devices used to piss off Professors. Be careful though, a lot of girls are being raped these days because they're too busy talking on the phone to notice their attackers approaching. I'm actually not making that up.
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